I threw up into my coffee this morning.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
