Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
