i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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