dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Randomize
