my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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