On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
