What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
