Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
