Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
