she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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