Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Randomize
