if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Randomize
