pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
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