I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
