Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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