my phone needs a breathalizer
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
