sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
my shit smells like andre
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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