Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
