you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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