in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
