I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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