Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
