I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
