i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
