I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Randomize
