just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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