Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
