I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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