Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
