I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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