I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
