I think im going to throw up on grandma
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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