WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
