please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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