did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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