i think my tv is drunk
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
