I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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