i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
