I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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