yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
