you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
True strength comes from lack of pants
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
