Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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