i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
