Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize