who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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