the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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