my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
