i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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