i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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