Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
