The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
